Daring Davis Days: My Sons Are Not "All Boy", and I'm Glad

I kind of knew going into my marriage that my chances of ever having a daughter were slim. It was a long standing family joke that the Davis's were cursed to only have sons. Well, my sweet sister-in-law disproved that theory last year when she gave birth to the first girl in four generations. Nevertheless, I still kept my hopes up, following the popular old wives tales to tack my probability of having a daughter, and ultimately wept the day I found out my second was a boy.

But that was when I was a different person, and gender mattered. Life is very different for me now, and I understand gender very differently. I have two biological sons, boys. They are beautiful, smart, silly, and no, they are not "all boy".

I can't tell you how many times a stranger has commented on my children. If they are naughty in the store, someone always says to me "they are boys!" If they are rambunctious and noisy, it's the same sentiment, "boys will be boys". When they wear a shirt displaying monster trucks or beg for legos at the checkout they are "100% boy". It's as though misbehavior is excused because they are boys. And certain things automatically make them masculine, like trucks and boots. Today was no exception; while I was getting the oil changed, the boys were being insane, and the well-meaning mechanic, obviously trying to make me feel less embarrassed, said "they're boys alright!".

Well, what if I told you last week my youngest only wanted to wear dresses, tiaras, necklaces and pretty shoes? None of the ones in my photography prop closet would do, so we went to Payless and bought him a pair of white Elsa slippers. He proudly wore them out of the store, happy, and excited. He told me all day he was a princess. And that he wanted to be a girl.

Aramis goes through phases. I understand this. A few weeks ago he only wanted his hair in a ponytail. The following week the only shirt he would wear was his red Flash shirt. When he wanted his nails painted pink, we painted nails pink. When he wanted to wear a dress, I put one on too and we wore dresses. I'm not going to tell him he is wrong for liking certain things. I'm not going to label him. That is up to him. And I will encourage him to be whoever he feels most comfortable being. And if that is a boy who likes monster trucks and wearing pretty shoes, then so be it.

Tristan has a poster of Moana (and bedsheets too) on his wall, Aramis has Trolls on his. Aramis picked a Tangled Barbie for his toy treat, and Tristan has a necklace of black pearls. Aramis chose a pink frosted birthday cake, and Tristan loves Doc McStuffins. Traditionally "girly" things make my boys happy.

I find statements like "all boy" very disturbing. It's like society is trying to reaffirm gender roles and comfortable stereotypes. There is nothing wrong with the color pink. There is nothing inherently feminine about it. And if a boy likes pink, he can still be a boy. When we label practices, preferences, or excuse behavior with gender, we tell our children that they are one way. We reaffirm that it is impossible to be something and like something else. We destroy their ability to have preferences for anything outside of what is considered socially acceptable. There's a wealth of opportunity on the other side of the fence, and I don't mind if my boys tap into it. Take Luna Petunia for example: a sickeningly over the top feminine show (one might say it is this way to hyperfeminize little girls, a common practice....one need only take a stroll down the girl's isle at Target to see this) that my boys adore. It has a strong female character who goes on glitter filled adventures and learns life lessons. They'd miss out on this if they only watched silly shows about mischief and destruction catered towards boys (like Thomas the Train and Curious George......) And vice versa, little girls would miss out if they only watched princess glitter pony shows.

We shouldn't assign kids a gender. After all gender is socially constructed. What is acceptable for one culture, generation, or creed is unacceptable in another. We shouldn't encourage them to only choose one way. Why, you might ask? Wouldn't it become a confusing gender free-for-all if we forsook tradition? No, I don't think so. I think we'd be that much closer to true equality of the sexes. Little boys wouldn't use girls as insults ("that's so girly!" "you play like a girl!" "you cry like a girl!") , and girls wouldn't feel slighted by their femininity. Boys and girls would be free to like and pursue whatever aesthetic made them happiest, and wouldn't risk insult or injury by their peers.

Thank goodness Aramis is only 4 and thinks the best of people, otherwise he might have been bothered by the insensitive comment by the lady at the checkout upon seeing him wear his princess shoes. Thank goodness I had the guts to call back McDonalds and complain about the woman who served us, because when she saw my boys in the back seat, she asked if they wouldn't prefer the boys' toy to the girls' one they chose. That McDonalds no longer asks "for a boy or girl" but names the toys if they have two choices. Thank goodness I have a mind to correct Tristan when he makes gender based insults like I mentioned above, reminding him that I am a girl and that it hurts my feelings when he uses my gender to make an insult. It's hard to change generations of gender roles, stereotypes, and practices. But it has to start somewhere.

So the next time someone comments about my kids, calling them "all boy", I'll politely say that they aren't. The next time my kids are rambunctious at the store and a well-meaning person says "they're boys" as though it isn't obvious, I'll say, that isn't an excuse for their behavior. And when Mis wants to wear his princess shoes, I will tell him to go for it! I know I have to prepare my kids for the cruel world that awaits them. Like when Tristan came home and cried to have his nail polish removed because some snotty kid made fun of him, I told him we should feel bad for the other child. But just because there is a risk of hurt, doesn't mean we should curb their desires towards their assigned gender. don't think that is right. So I'm going to continue to support them in whatever they choose. For me, baggy t-shirts and shorts with slip-on shoes (complimented by an intense smokey eye ;)) is my preference. It's not ultra feminine, but hey, neither am I. And that's okay. So my kiddos can be whoever and whatever they want to be too.