Yes I'm an Ex-Mormon, But I had a Good Experience Being One

It’s taken me a few years, but I think I’m finally ready to write this story. You see, there is a common misconception about “apostates”, and it is a very negative one. I carried that burden for a long time, and still do. I once belonged to a very intimate community of people, a very small universe of rigid ideology and no room for questions. And this might surprise you, but I was happy there. I'm going to address the positive aspects of my Mormon life, because I've already discussed in great detail the negative (not limited to the lying, patriarchy, coercion, or terrible ethics).

I was born into an active family. Active means current membership and belief in the Mormon Church. All of my immediate family were members, meaning active participants, baptized and believing.  My mom’s parents and brother as well, while my dad’s side were belonging to other Christian denominations.

I was proud to be a part of a select and elect group of people. I was taught from a young age that we were peculiar, different from the world. That I was a special spirit, saved for the last days because of my preexistence strength and obedience to Heavenly Father. Primary lessons, Sunday school lessons, mutual activities and more reiterate this idea that I was something special.

As a Sunbeam, I would get up with my fellow primary mates and sing my heart out behind the pulpit. My parents would tell me how beautiful my singing was, while I’m sure my primary teacher cringed at how loud and overpowering I actually was. I was excited for every talk I was asked to give, and I took every scripture memorization seriously. I became fiercely competitive when my mom offered a Happy Meal reward for memorizing the list of modern day prophets, and gloated while my brother cried when I got mine and he didn’t get his. I still have the McDonald’s 101 Dalmatian toy I earned right around Christmas time in 1995.

In high school, I felt confident in myself. I knew who I was, and I seldom questioned my faith. I would of course at time be discouraged by my sex, as a woman in god’s kingdom it always felt like my options were limited. And as I delved whole heartedly into seminary, I found things in the scriptures that made me question the validity of the gospel. But I chalked it up to the frailty of men, and remembered that god was perfect.

But I had amazing leaders. I had fantastic supports, and friends, and second moms and dads. Brothers and sisters who cared about me, and who inspired me to do great things. You see, I grew up in Alaska, and the Mormon community there is nothing like I’ve seen in other places. It’s different. It’s special. When my dad lost his job, our ward was there for us. When my mom was sick, her visiting teachers helped take care of our family. When she had to go back to work, there was a slew of people to help take care of me and my little brother. We were a family, all of us. And it felt good to be a part of that family.

When I was a teen, I had tremendous support from my leaders. Beautiful men and women who were trying their best and doing what they thought they should, and who gave of their time for me. Some of them even asked me to babysit their children, and I enjoyed that very much. Seeing those little babies all grown up now tugs at my heart strings. I participated in plays, and roadshows. I sang in sacrament meeting and during girl’s camp fundraising dinners. And my dad went to girl’s camp every year with me as one of the priesthood leaders. I had close friends, I had people who wanted to see me succeed. I had leaders and teachers and bishops who told me I was a special young woman, talented and smart. They told me I was a leader, and trusted me with responsibility.

When I went to college, I went to BYU-Idaho. And I found a community of my peers, LDS youth with my ideals, my goals, and my religion. We had prayers at the start of class, we had a very strict dress code to create a more professional learning environment, and we had lessons that fit a spiritual curriculum, even in anatomy and chemistry. I felt comfortable and immediately at home, even though I was on ny own for the first time. I marveled at how no matter where I would go, my family would always be there, my Mormon Family, and I would never want for inclusion or support.

I believed it. Yes, there were things I was confused about, but I really believed it. I knew god would reveal everything to me after the resurrection, and that I just needed to have faith in the meantime. I was excited to finally be able to meet my Grammy, my dad’s mom, because she had died before I was born, and I looked forward to finding my eternal companion one day. I was happy, I was comfortable, I was confident. I loved being a Mormon.

Eventually, I married my husband in the temple and we had two children. Various things I had put on a shelf began to surface as he became disillusioned with the church. The blessings of healing I had received, declaring I would be healed. My patriarchal blessing that said I would serve a full time mission. The translation of the Book of Mormon. The role of women in the eternities. Morality and agency and omniscience. Divine perfection and tears. Eventually, the shelf broke. All of those things I had ignored for so long demanded attention, and I could no longer use the excuse, “god will tell me everything after I die”. I realized that phrase was a band-aid to cover up the fact that there really were no answers and saying I could wait till after death had no real accountability.

It took me a long time before I was comfortable enough to start seeking answers. At first, I figured I just wasn’t schooled enough in the doctrine, and with my strong confirmation bias searched information to bolster up my theology. But the deeper I dug the more confused I became. The clearer the discrepancies appeared. Something was really wrong. I reached a stall, where I couldn't go forward or back. I was hurt. I felt betrayed; I tried to cling to whatever shred of faith I could find in myself, but it just kept slipping away. I laid in my bed at night, weeping to a god that didn’t exist to keep me, to show me in some way that the gospel of my youth was real and that he loved me enough to keep me. But there was nothing. No answer. Just a bunch of self-regulating feelings I now recognized as internally initiated, and not external. My spiritual experiences were self-created, guided by the prompting of my elders, who taught me how to feel something and how to interpret it. None of it was real.

The day I realized the church was false was a very dark day. It wasn’t happy. I wasn't dancing around in a little black dress with a glass of wine in hand thinking, “finally, I can SIN!”. No, I was in my room, quietly crying, and asking over and over, “why?”. My sadness eventually turned to anger. And self-defense. As I began to talk about what I had discovered, I was met with a severe backlash. My friends didn’t understand; my family was confused. Everyone assumed the worst. Family members began accusing me of horrific things, friends deserted me and called me horrible names. I felt like I was on an island, and no one even wanted to listen. I resorted to anger because no one believed me when I said I had believed. They all accused me of not being a real member. They said I just wanted to sin, or that I didn’t have enough faith. They asked me who had offended me. Or why I was mad at god. They wondered what horrible thing had happened to drive me away from the church. But none of them asked me what I thought, or why I felt the way I did. They didn’t want to hear it. And everything I said about the church was a direct attack on them. People I hadn’t talked to in years began engaging with me on my social media, accusing me of mocking their god and things they held dear. They continued to send me Christmas cards with god and jesus. They would post things on my wall about doctrine and returning to the church. But if I said anything contrary to their sincerely held belief, I was being offensive. Not once did any of them consider the offense or the hurt they caused me. Because they are right, and I’ve chosen to live a life without god.

It’s not that. I haven’t chosen to live a life without god. I’ve just come to realize that life doesn’t have god. God doesn’t exist. I didn’t choose this. In fact, I worked very hard to not be here like this. I wanted god to exist. I worked tirelessly to prove he exists. But my efforts ended up proving the opposite, and it took me a very long time before I came to terms with it. And I was very vulnerable during that time, having lost my foundation, and being mocked and accused by the people I thought were my friends. I didn’t have anyone to talk to. No one wanted to listen. Even the people I thought for sure would let me talk about what I had discovered, turned me away, said they didn’t want to hear it, said I had no business talking about it, asked me why it mattered to me, told me to leave it alone. Called me a bitter, angry, sinful woman. I was deceived by the world. It was abusive, and I was isolated.

So when I say I miss being a member, I mean it. I miss the community, I miss the family, I miss the security I felt. I miss the fairytale with the happy ending. Even though I see it now as a coercive and abusive theology, it was all I knew, and it was what I loved. I didn’t have a bad experience. I had a good one. And the people? They are good people. My ward family was wonderful, which is why it hurt so much to leave them, and why it hurts so much that none of them care to see my perspective or understand why I left. My own family doesn’t even want to know. They avoid the subject, or talking to me at all. Though I desperately wish I had one family member who understood. Just one who would listen and say, hey, you’re on to something. At the same time, I have to say that my parents have been so wonderful and supportive. They may not like that I left, but they have had nothing but love and respect for me. It killed me to tell them too, and I was incredibly hurt that they already knew because the church informed them against my wishes. I wanted to tell them when I was ready, because of how much I love and respect them. They have only ever wanted what’s best for me, and tried to do what they thought was best. They, like so many other Mormons, are good people who just want to do the right thing.

I’m not angry anymore. My anger has turned to sadness again. I think I will always carry that with because for so long, being Mormon was such an integral part of my identity. It was the lens through which I viewed everything. But my natural curiosity, my internal strength and stubbornness, and my refusal to accept the patriarchy wouldn’t let me keep it. And once I put that lens down, everything became clear and the questions dissipated. I’m at peace with my life and my existence. I’m a passionate woman, so I’ll probably always voice my opinion, which will be met with offense by many of those who used to be my friends. And I’ve also come to accept that. Though I hope for the day when I have a family member who comes to me, because they have too many unanswered questions and want someone to talk to. And I’ll be there for them, the way no one was there for me. My husband and I went through our crisis of faith alone, and it was scary. If someone would have just said, I will listen to you, it would have made a world of difference, but we were only met with passionate defenses and accusations of wickedness. Which made it all the more difficult.

Do not be so quick to judge. Don’t assume a lack of faith. I have loved and lost. And I am genuinely sad for it. I loved being a member of the church. It is a melancholy that will never be resolved, but in that melancholy, I have found a deeper meaning to my life, an authentic and real one. And that is what makes me happy.

For more about my thoughts and leaving the church, visit sarasimplysays.blogspot.com.

To the mom who's kid hurt my son, it is okay

If you're a parent, you've likely found yourself in an uncomfortable situation or two. It kinda seems to be part of the all inclusive package. And if you've got rambunctious, high energy children, it may or may not happen routinely.....on a daily basis, several times. I've tried to shut myself away and not go out around people, but sometimes I have to buy milk.

It just so happened that I also needed to have some work done on my phone (ie get a new one cuz my old one was dead).  And my husband is out of the country. And I've got two children. So they went along with me. Of course we had to stop off and do the pediatric dentist first, so thank goodness they had goodie bags and new little prizes: a sticky hand and a plastic launcher, the perfect items to take along to a store full of tech.

Our phone carrier is full of hidden hoops, fees, and securities so it is always an opera to get anything done. I did a lot better this time than I usually do; I didn't curse as much......and thank goodness there weren't a lot of people there because we went fairly early. But as we were waiting for an authorization to go through, another woman came in with her two kids, about the same size as Tristan and Mis. Immediately, they came over to see what my boys were doing, which was sitting quietly like I had told them to. The other kids, a boy and a girl, had brought a few toys of their own, and so the four of them began to play and share. It seemed harmless, and the phone store is a boring place for kiddos, so when the mom asked if it was okay, I said they were fine.

Unfortunately, she left her two kids there and went to the counter to chat with one of the sales reps. And then the kids started getting naughty. They were jumping on the benches, launching the launcher, smashing the sticky hand on the TV screen, running around. I told my boys to stop, and took their  toys away. The other children were disappointed, but they kept playing. And then the boy asked Tristan if he wanted to wrestle. I told Tristan no, that it wasn't appropriate, but then the rep came over to ask for a few more bits of information. In just those brief seconds that I turned my back, the boy had thrown Tristan to the floor and scrapped skin off his elbow.

And a scene followed. The boys eyes were wide, Tristan was crying, people were watching. I took Tristan's hand and walked him over to the counter where the mom was standing. I asked the rep for a bandaid and she ran to get one. The mom began apologizing profusely, tears welling up in her eyes. She was embarrassed, mortified, clearly upset. She told her son to look at what he had done, that he had hurt Tristan. She apologized to me again and again, and the rep said we could use their bathroom to get Tristan cleaned up. In the bathroom, tear streaked and upset after a lecture of "mommy told oyu so", Tristan said, it's okay, I forgive him. We finished up and went back out.

Tristan walked up to the boy and said it was okay. I told the mom it was going to be okay, they are kids, accidents happen. Nothing was broken. She apologized again. And I took the kids out for a walk while we waited for the rest of the authorization to process. That way the mom didn't have to rush out, embarrassed. I told Tristan I was proud of him for being forgiving and we went and got some snacks while we waited.

I felt so terrible for her. I mean at first I was irritated, because she'd just left her kids over near me and mine. But then I realized, I'd just had a crazy morning, my kids are rambunctious, they were being naughty too, and sometimes my kids do awful things in the store. I felt her pain. I imagined myself in her shoes, because it just as easily could have gone the other way. And I would have been the one scared of a lawsuit.

So to that mom I say again, it's okay. Accidents happen. Kids are kids, and sometimes they do stupid things. I've been caught in embarrassing situations with my kids a number of times, and I know how hard it is to go places alone with two children in tow. It's a nightmare most of the time! So I hope that they were able to go home and talk about what happened and move forward. As for my kids, we went home and they promptly beat each other up in Tristan's room, and Tristan bit through his lip falling off his bed. So this isn't anything new for us.

Moms with kids, we need to be supporting each other. Sometimes things happen that need to involve insurance and other entities, but scrapped knees and elbows aren't cause to fret. Teach your kids to respect boundaries, but also teach them to be forgiving. And next time you see a mom struggling with her kids somewhere, have a little compassion and don't stare. She feels bad enough.

Memories from my Childhood

This is kind of a funny post. I have a box of toys that used to reside in a bucket at home. This particular bucket was a white 5 gallon from Lowes, and I had decopauged images of hot guys all over it. It was my personal affects bucket for girls camp the year I turned 15. I took half of the toys with me when I left home, and my mom saved the rest for me to collect after I was married. And every so often, I let the boys play with them. I thought I'd explain a few of them :)

This was part of a toy set, it functioned like a Polly Pocket playset, and was a carriage shaped box that opened up to a scene. The Fairy Godmother is all I have left. I got it for "3 kings day" in 1992.

This tucan is from a McDonald's happy meal toy. It used to make a squealing tweet when you pushed the head forward, which for some reason would always make our guinea pig, Sinbad, purr. He loved it, so we kept it by his cage and tweeted it all the time. 

These are the only two of 6 figures from a Dinosaur playset that I have left. When you dip them in warm water, you can see their skeletons. My mom and I loved this movie a lot because it was majestic and the music was amazing. We listened to the soundtrack driving cross country after my brother Josh's wedding.

I didn't like the Tweety Bird on his tail, so I ripped it off. But my dad got this for me on one of his trips outside, and he got it at a WB store. Anyone remember those?

I got this action figure set for Christmas one year as a teen, when I was thoroughly obsessed with Lord of The Rings. 

The summer before my brother Josh graduated, we went to see Hercules in the theater. My mom was working in midtown, and right next to the theater, so josh offered to take me and Phillip to see a movie so we didn't have to spend the majority of the day sitting in her office. Afterwards one time, we walked down to Toys R Us, which was about 20 minutes down the road and he bought this for me. The horse used to have wings, I have no idea what happened to them.

When the first prequel came out when I was 12, it was all the rage everywhere. Even fast food restaurants teamed up to offer kids meals toys from different planets. I got this one at Taco Bell.

In the 3rd grade, my teacher Mr. Stribling took one student out to lunch a week. On my week, he took me to Wendy's and I got a kid's meal with this toy inside. I don't know if teachers still do cool things like this (yes another female teach went with us). But it was something we always looked forward to!3rd grade was a split year, I went to Chinook for the first half, and SandLake for the second. Mr. Stribling's class was a portable on the south side of the school next to the ice rink.He must have been tenured, because he took a lot of naps!

Little Bo Peep from Toy Story. A gift from my brother Josh when all the boys at school were getting toys of Buzz Lightyear. 

Another Dinosaur toy, because I loved the movie so much. This particular item was on clearance at the Disney store for $4.99, so I couldn't pass it up. I remember hating that Aladar was attached, so I ripped him from the base.....I was a silly kid.

No idea who gave this to me, probably my parents. But my two best friends and I loved the movie The Villain, even though my mom forbade us from watching it. So we had to sneak watch it. The main character's horse was named Whiskey, and so, we named this one Whiskey too. 

This is a Barbie of Odette from The Swan Princess. When I was 7 years old, my sister Becky and I went to visit my grandparents in New England for Christmas. While there, I got to meet my mom's Auntie Mertyl, just before she passed away from breast cancer. She gave me some money and told me to go and pick out a Christmas present, and this is what I chose. I lost the dress somewhere along the lines, and so the one she is wearing as actually Jasmine's (who I also lost somewhere along the lines). I also gave her a haircut and put it in a ponytail...

Aaaaan a small aprt of my collection of McDonald's and Burger King toys :) The dragonfly is actually featured in a Blue's Clues episode I noticed watching with my kids. 

My dad bought these little dinosaurs for me at the Museum of something-or-other in Salt Lake City. I think I was 9, we were there for Jacob's wedding and just touring around the city. I picked these out because I really liked this shaped dinosaur. 

After Josh left for college, I kept this toy for myself :)

I found this gingerbread man on the school bus when I was in the 3rd grade. No one claimed it, so I kept it. 

When Mulan came out, it was also right after my sister Becky came home to live with us for awhile. She took me and Phillip to see it a few times in the theater, and we amassed a toy collection of various action figures. We also gave the doll house my Bumpa made a makeover so Mulan and Company could move in. When Becky had her kids and took the dollhouse, she asked to have the Mulan toys too. I kept Mushu and Crickee.

I have no idea where this came from. But I remember when I a kid I used to smell it and think it smelled like sweet pizza sauce.  I kept it in the desk in the living room.

Another few toys from McDonalds. The kitty in the middle used to have tuffs of fur on the sides of it's face, but I didn't like them, so I cut them off. I was a weird kid. 

These were sand babies that I got from my friends Hannah and Hilary. 

My brother-in-law Josh got this toy for me when I turned 12. I was really obsessed with Star Wars at the time, and my sister Becky took me and Phillip to see it in the theaters 10 times that summer. 

I think my mom and I share an collecting obsession, especially with kid's meal toys. So when I was 8 or 9, I can't remember for sure, they came out with 101 Dalmation toys at McDonald's. In order to earn it, I had to recite the prophets (barf...). But I did it! And Phillip didn't do it right away, so he was really upset when I got the silver bowed one. He eventually earned the gold bowed one, and the one with the Teddy I got later cuz my mom thought they were cute. We called it Wench....no idea why.

After Josh left, my parents were out a babysitter. So a lot of days, Phillip and I would accompany my mom to the bank where she worked and we would spend the day playing in the filing room. We even climbed up on top of the 6 foot tall wall cabinets to play...shhhh. But we had two sets, lions and tigers (i've lost all but one of the tigers) and they were our main toys. We made up tons of stories about their families and had names for all of them. The only one I remember is the sitting lion cub. he was Patrick. 

At the 5th Avenue Mall in downtown Anchorage, there used to be a nature store, like it was named Nature. It solds all sorts of interesting toys and gadgets, like these little frogs. When I was 10, I had a frog like the red and black one. But it got lost in the backyard and I never found it. When I was in college and semi-engaged to my husband, I bought another one, and a green one for him, and a bunch of little ones and pretended it was us and our future kids.....I'm a weirdo I know. 

Another toy of Josh's I kept when he left for his mission. This is a koosh-ball man lol

This is another Star Wars toy from Taco Bell, it's a planet that pops open and the little Jedi's fight. It's pretty neat :)

My mom got me this as my first Polly Pocket set, she really loved them. It was a wedding scene, but the only person I have left is the little flower girl. I had several sets as a kid, but this is the only one that I have kept.

I don't remember much about the party, but this was my cake topper from when I turned 3 years old. 

2007 I discovered the TV shoe Avatar The Last Airbender, and fell in love. I even pasted pictures of Aang in my scriptures hahahahahaha. I got this toy from Toys R Us randomly in the clearance section, and discovered that it goes for around $100 on ebay now. 

Another souvenir from our visit back east to see my grandparents. My grammy got me a set of horses, and these are the only ones I have left. I used to like horses a lot. 

This is the doll for my doll, that I have no idea what happened to it. She had red curly hair and a green printed dress. She is sitting on a chair in one of my old pictures, but no one knows where she ended up. For whatever reason, I still have the little doll. 

And when Chamber of Secrets came out, I was obsessed. Which is funny because for years, like age 11 to 15 I said it was a dumb story and I'd never read it. I remember my parents and Becky saying Phillip shouldn't read it because the parent's die......oh how wrong we were! Such an amazing story! Anyhoo, I bought these because I love toys and I love Harry Potter :)